All For You
by Silent Rumor
Summary: When Anders is injured beyond healing, Parker takes it upon herself to do the forbidden and take from Anders what is killing him: Justice. F!Hawke/Anders Rated M for later content.
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in this wonderful franchise. Bioware/EA Games has it all.**

**Chapter One**

"Find Me Here  
>Speak To Me<br>I want to feel you  
>I need to hear you<br>You are the light  
>That's leading me<br>To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.  
>You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.<br>You are the light to my soul.  
>You are my purpose...you're everything."<p>

_Everything by Lifehouse_

"Merrill, how is he? Please tell me Anders will be okay? Please tell me he can be healed." Parker asked desperately, her need to know he was going to be okay throbbed painfully in her chest. She knotted her hands together at her chest. She was fighting the tears from falling. Parker sat on the edge of the bed that Anders was on and gripped his hand. Her head fell to her chest. "Why, Anders? Why did you have to try and be the hero? Why?" She sobbed greatly, pulling his cold hand to her lips.

Merrill looked at her friend, a look of sadness on her face. She didn't want to upset Parker, but she was no healer and from what she saw, there was nothing she could do. He didn't have long. "Hawke," Merrill hung her head, "I'm sorry. If Justice wasn't in his body, he would make it."

"Then take him out."

Merrill's head shot up, "I can't do that, Hawke, it would kill Justice. Justice can't be taken out without a willing host to house him and even then, it could kill the host. And to even do that, it would require blood magic, very old, forbidden Elven blood magic."

"I will house Justice. Put him in me."

"Hawke, don't," Aveline said, walking up to Parker and kneeling in front of her, "You could die."

"I don't care, Aveline, I can't let Anders die!" Parker looked into her friend's eyes. "I just can't." A tear slid down Parker's cheek, falling on top of Anders' cold hand.

"Hawke, if you die in this process, all of this, all of what Anders did to protect you, will be in vain," Aveline said, resting her hand on Parker's knee.

Parker looked up at Merrill, who had a sorrowful look on her face. She turned to look in Aveline's eyes, "I'm sorry, Aveline, but I can't let Anders or Justice die." Aveline's face fell and it hurt Parker to see that she was hurting her friend, but she couldn't let the man she loved die before she ever got a chance to tell him. "Merrill, what do I need to do?"

Merrill had a look of worry on her face, "Hawke, I've never done this, it's part of the forbidden magic. What if I mess up? I've only read about it and from what I read, it sounded very complicated. And it was only performed on other mages, I don't know what will happen if it's done on rogue."

Parker's eyes locked onto Merrill's, "I trust you Merrill. I have complete confidence in you." Parker smiled.

Aveline walked back to the corner of the room, her face drawn into one of disapproval. Parker shot her a grim smile. Aveline just shook her head, "I'm going to go inform the others; they should all be here."

"Maker knows they will all disagree," Parker chuckled lightly. "I'm ready Merrill, we haven't much time."

Merrill nodded her head and walked over to Anders. She slid her finger into some of Anders' blood and walked over to Parker. "I need you to remove your armor all the way down to your breast band." Parker nodded and started about the task. Merrill pulled out her dagger and watched as Parker removed the last piece of clothing before her breast band. "You should lie down." Parker slid next to Anders and lay down. Merrill drew the finger that had Anders' blood on it down the center of Parker's chest; she then drew her dagger down the center of the line of blood. Parker looked over at Anders and smiled, another tear escaping down her cheek. Her blood mingled with Anders' blood. Merrill began chanting in Elvish and pulled out a fresh dagger and drew the blade across her wrist.

Parker's body went rigid and a light emanated from Anders' body. Merrill's chanting got faster and louder. The door to her mansion room was thrown open and all her companions stood there, worry contorted their features. A light burst from Parker's body, "Hawke, no!"

Parker looked at Fenris, tears streaming down her face, "I'm sorry, Fenris," she smiled weakly. Her back arched upwards as a light came ramming into her body. The last thing Parker saw before the light faded from her eyes was Fenris collapse to the ground. Her vision went black.

[][][][][]

Anders' mind stirred, '_Where am I? Why am I in so much pain?_' Anders pushed some healing magic through his body to the source of the pain. He tried to open his eyes only to be assaulted by a bright light coming from the window to his left. '_Justice, where are we?_' Anders received silence. '_Justice?_' Still nothing spoke back to him in his head. Anders shot up from the bed, now fully awake. He opened his eyes after hearing someone move from the corner of the room.

"This is your fault, mage!" Fenris stormed over to Anders. "If you hadn't of thrown yourself into that great sword, none of this would have happened! It would have all been avoided! She wouldn't be lying in the next room fighting for her life! Why couldn't you just die?" Fenris yelled and drew his fist back to punch Anders. Varric reached up and grabbed Fenris' arm and shook his head. Fenris stormed out of the room, slamming the door in his wake.

Varric sighed, "I'm sorry about that, Blondie. How are you feeling?

Anders looked confused and scared, "What happened to me? Who is fighting for their life? The last thing I remember is jumping in front of Parker when that warrior charged her when she had her back turned. I can't hear Justice, what's happened?"

Varric hung his head and sighed, "You can't hear Justice because he's no longer a part of you."

"WHAT? How is that possible? I've looked through all kinds of books, there's no such magic." Anders looked at Varric, "What aren't you telling me?"

Varric shuffled his feet and looked Anders square in the face, tears brimming his eyes, "Anders, don't be mad. Promise me you won't lash out at her."

"Varric, just tell me," Anders said.

Varric swallowed, "Hawke took Justice into her own body." Anders' eyes about bulged out of his skull and his jaw dropped. He shook visibly with rage. He never wanted this. He only wanted her safe. What made her do something as stupid as take a spirit of justice into her body?

"Where is she? Where is Hawke? I must talk to her immediately." Anders stood, but fell back to the bed, his body too much to hold up.

"Blondie, take it easy, you need your rest. That wound of yours is still healing. Merrill can only heal so much. She's no real healer." Varric rested a hand on Anders' arm.

Anders pulled his arm away, "I can heal myself." He held his hand over his wound and generated a strong healing spell. "How long have I been unconscious?"

"Six days." Varric pulled a chair up to Anders, "She did it for you, you know. She couldn't lose another after losing Carver and then Bethany."

"How did they do it?"

"How did they do what, Blondie?"

Anders looked into Varric's eyes. Varric looked away uncomfortably. "How did they transfer Justice over?"

Varric made a fist, "Merrill used an ancient Elven blood magic spell."

Anders sighed, he had completely healed his wound. He stood on unsteady legs. Varric stood and held him to help support his weight. "Thanks, Varric." Varric nodded with a sad smile. "I'm guessing Fenris isn't the only one mad at me?"

Varric sighed as they walked to the door, "They're not mad at you as much as they're mad at themselves."

Anders and Varric walked over to the next room where Parker was. Before opening the door, Varric blocked his path, "Varric, I need to see her."

"Give me your word you won't blame yourself." Varric had a steely look on his face. Anders nodded his head in agreement. "No, Blondie, I want to hear it."

Anders looked grimly down at the dwarf, "I promise, Varric, I won't blame myself."

Varric nodded his head and opened the door slowly. He kept his head down as he walked into the room. Anders saw Varric's shoulders trembling before Varric turned and left the room with so little as a sob that had escaped his lips. Anders looked confusedly after the dwarf. He turned and slowly walked into the room. His eyes finally caught what Varric couldn't handle. Anders' hands flew to his mouth. "Maker, no. Why her?" Tears flooded to Anders' eyes. What lay before him was the withering form of the one he had longed to be loved by. Her skin was dangerously pale when it was normally richly tanned. Her normally chocolate brown hair was limp and greasy. She had lost a considerable amount of weight. He walked closer to her, his hands trembling. He reached out and gently wrapped her hand in his. '_It's so cold._' Her breathing was shallow.

Anders looked around the room when he saw Sebastian enter the room with a vase of flowers; a beautiful arrangement of orchids and hydrangeas. Sebastian walked passed Anders and set the flowers on Parker's bedside table pulling a chair up by her bed. He glanced over at Anders and gave him a small smile, "She'll be okay, friend, she's a lot stronger than any of us."

Anders felt Parker's hand grip his tightly. He looked up at her face, but nothing registered. He used his other hand and held it over her body. Anders couldn't find anything physically or internally wrong with her. He pulled a chair up to the side of her bed and just watched her.

It would be a month before Parker woke up and through that month, Anders only ever left her side to tend to his clinic.

[][][][][]

"_Hawke?" Justice called out into the Fade. Silence answered his call. Justice continued walking through the Fade._

"_It's your fault your father, Bethany, and Carver died. Nothing but death follows in your wake."_

"_That's not true!"_

_Justice rushed to the source of the voices._

"_It is true, Parker. Even your mother blames you. You have done nothing but let the people around you suffer."_

"_I will not listen to you, Demon," Parker said as she unsheathed her dagger. "Anders would never say anything like that. He is much kinder and gentler than anyone I have ever met. You defile his name with your accusations. Now show me your true form, quit hiding in Anders' form."_

_Justice came to a halt when he saw Parker's injured body. The body of Anders transformed into a rage demon._

"_What's one more demon to my already endless count of them?" Parker rushed the demon striking him down with her flourishes._

_Parker collapsed to one knee, her breaths coming out ragged and short. She didn't know how much more of this she would be able to take. She just had to find Justice and then they could hopefully leave the Fade. She didn't know how long they had been in the Fade, but she was going to guess it had been a while._

"_Hawke!" Justice rushed to Parker's side. She looked even worse up close._

_Parker smiled, "I see you are unharmed, Justice. If only I had that same luck," Parker chuckled. "I've been looking for you. Did the transfer work?"_

_Justice sighed, "Yes, it worked."_

"_Great, then we can leave now." Parker went to stand when she felt Justice's hand rest on her arm. She looked at Justice confusedly, "Justice, what's wrong?"_

"_Why'd you do it?"_

"_Why'd I do what?" Parker asked quietly, looking away._

"_Hawke, you know what I want to know."_

"_I couldn't let you both die, I couldn't let Anders die."_

_Justice shook his head, "This will completely change you. Are you prepared for that?"_

_Parker smiled, "Of course I am. If it means saving Anders, I would go to the ends of the earth to achieve it."_

"_That's not what I mean, Hawke." Parker's smile faltered. Justice could read the confusion on her face. "You now have magic coursing through your veins. You must harness that magic."_

"_So I'm now some kind of Spirit Rogue?" Parker asked._

"_Yes, you can now harness the magic of the Fade and use it in your battles." Justice stared down at his new host, "I've never been in a female's body before."_

_Before she could stop herself, she laughed, "I'll be gentle." She winked at Justice who looked away trying to hide his blush. "It'll be fine, Justice, just don't mind my mood swings a few days out of the month."_

_Justice smiled and retorted, "As long as you don't mind my awkward questioning of female habits."_

_Parker chuckled, "Just promise me you'll call me Parker from now on." Justice nodded his head. "Good, now let's go home." Parker stood and took Justice's hand. Together they left through the Fade back to Parker's withering body._

[][][][][]

Parker groaned, her body felt weak and sore. The weight on the bed shifted and she felt strong arms wrap her frail body against their warm chest.

"Thank the Maker, Hawke, I thought we had lost you for good."

Parker's throat was entirely too dry, "Sebastian?" she managed to quietly question. She opened her eyes slowly and he pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"How are you feeling?" He questioned, rubbing small circles on her back.

"I feel like an ogre crushed half my body under his foot. Can I have some water?" It felt like nail were being dragged down her throat. Sebastian reached for the glass of water he had been drinking from she assumed and he tilted her head back and gently poured the soothing liquid down her throat. "Thanks," she said as he put the glass down. "How long have I been in bed for?"

Sebastian looked away, "A little over a month."

Parker's jaw dropped. "Please tell me Anders is okay? Where is he? I must see him. I must know he's alright." She pulled out of Sebastian's arms and moved to the edge of the bed. Sebastian had a look of hurt drawn across his face. Parker shrugged it off and went to stand. She immediately fell in heap on the floor. She heard her wrist snap before she felt it. She cried out in agony. Sebastian knelt next to her and held her tightly to him.

Isabela came running into the room after hearing the crash upstairs and the sight of Parker crying against Sebastian's chest, and him holding her wrist out only meant that Parker hurt herself. "Go get Anders," Sebastian said. Isabela nodded and ran out of the room at top speed. Sebastian rocked Parker back and forth, easing her body's trembling sobs. It seemed to take forever for Parker's sobs to ease. She had fallen asleep in Sebastian's arms. He ran his fingers through her hair and gently kissed the top of her head as Anders came rushing into the room. Sebastian looked up at Anders. Anders had a very hurt and upset look on his face. "She broke her wrist trying to get out of bed to find you and make sure you were all right. She's passed out again," he managed a weak smile.

"Get her back on the bed," Anders said as he went to grab some of his supplies the he had dropped outside of the door in his rush to see Parker. He came back in the room as Sebastian effortlessly lifted Parker and lay her gently on the bed. Anders walked up next to the bed and sat on the edge of it. He rested his hand on her wrist and sent healing magic through it, mending the bone and torn muscle. He looked down at her malnourished body and sighed.

"I'll give you some time with her," Sebastian said as he left the room. "I'll go let the others know that she's awake." Anders nodded his head as Sebastian left.

Anders leaned down and rested a hand on Parker's cheek. She shivered and opened her eyes as she felt the warmth of his magic graze her cheek. Anders' eyes widened as he saw her once golden eyes now a bright sky blue. "Parker?"

Parker's shot up and threw herself into Anders' arms. "Anders!" she said, tears stinging her eyes. "I thought I had lost you!"

Anders choked back a sob as he wrapped his arms gently around her small frame. "Nope, you're still stuck with me," he chuckled.

"Good," she said, nuzzling into his chest. "Justice wants me to say hi for him."

Anders smiled, "Hi, Justice." Anders felt a wetness soaking through his robes.

"I need a bath, I smell bad." Parker chuckled, trying to lighten the situation.

Anders chuckled in return. Parker relished in the feel of the low rumble that emanated from his chest, the warmth that she longed to always have holding her. She clung tighter to him. "I will have Orana prepare a bath for you."

Parker watched Anders' retreating form , "Anders?"

Anders turned to look at her, a sadness present in his eyes, "Yes Hawke?"

She smiled, "Thank you for protecting me."

He smiled, and he was about to thank her when multiple people pushed passed him and in to see Parker. Anders sighed as he walked out of the room to inform Orana of Parker's wish for a warm bath.

Parker watched Ander's leave, a sadness drew over her face but was quickly replaced as all her companions swarmed around her, tears of joy springing up in many of their eyes. She smiled up at them all as they all went around the room arguing who was around to see her the most. Apparently Sebastian had won. "That's only because Chantry Boy has nothing better to do," Isabela chimed.

"At least I'm not trying to take every man or woman that enters Kirkwall to my bed," Sebastian chided.

"It's not every man or woman," Isabela pouted.

Everyone chuckled.

Anders never came back that night.

[][][][][]

To Be Continued


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

"I can see, I can still find  
>You're the only voice my heart can recognize<br>But I can't hear you now, yeah.

I'll never be the same  
>I'm caught inside the memories, the promises<br>are yesterdays and I belong to you.  
>I just can't walk away<br>'cause after loving you  
>I can never be the same."<p>

Never Be The Same by RED

It had been a month before Parker could leave her bed without collapsing in a heap on the floor. She broke many bones in that month and every time she did, Sebastian, ever the vigilant one, would send for Anders. Anders would arrive, a look of panic on his face. It would quickly be washed away when Parker looked up from Sebastian's arms. She didn't know why. She had a look of hurt on her face when Anders would set about healing her and promptly leave without so much as a glance over his shoulder. Parker was hurt.

It had been two months before Parker could leave her estate, her frail body finally taking on some weight and muscle mass. Through those two months, Anders never came by other than to make his usual medical check-ups on Parker. She was starting to think he hated her for taking Justice out of his body. Justice would chide her, saying that that wasn't the reason he was being distant. Parker didn't believe him. She thought she could ask Sebastian about it, but she noticed anytime she brought Anders up, his demeanor would change. He would have a look of sadness and hurt come over his face.

Sebastian came by to see her every day. She appreciated it. All of her other companions had lives to lead and places to be. They came to see her when they could, but Sebastian being a Brother in Faith, didn't have much to do. She knew he was just being kind to her, but she appreciated the company. Her mother was too doting on her, and it got on her nerves. She wasn't a child, her mother needed to let her be the grown woman she was.

Sebastian hadn't yet arrived, but she felt comfortable getting out of her bed without the help. She eased out from under the sheets and stood. Parker stood for a minute, gathering herself. Moving slowly to her armoire, she pulled out her rogue armor.

'_You'll have to make some adjustments to your armor, Parker,'_ Justice said.

Parker looked confusedly at her armor, _'Why? My armor is fine the way it is.'_

'_Since you now have magic running in your blood, you need something to help harness is,' _Justice said matter of factly.

Parker rolled her eyes, _'I really liked this armor, too.'_ Justice chuckled, _'Where do you suppose I find someone who can alter this armor?'_

'_Sandal should be able to enchant it.'_

'_Sandal? I never thought of him. He is a very unique boy with some interesting skills, though.' _Parker nodded her head, and left her room. She eased her way down the stairs and approached Sandal, who was playing with her mabari hound, Loki. Her face fell into a gentle smile, "Sandal, do you think you can enchant this armor to be able to harness magic?"

Sandal looked up from Loki, a bright grin on his face, "Ooooh, enchantment!" he drawled out. He took them in his hands and ran off to his room. She smiled in his wake, taking a seat next to the hearth. Loki crawled his way over to her, licking her face.

A sudden thought occurred to her, _'Justice, does this mean my daggers need to be enchanted special as well?'_

'_No, you won't be wielding magic that way.'_

Parker looked confused, _'Then how am I wielding magic?'_ she asked, absently petting Loki's head.

'_Your magic is your body. You'll know what I mean when we get to training.'_

She nodded her head, biting her lip in thought. Sandal was suddenly in front of her, taking her by surprise. He held out the bundle of armor, "Enchantment!"

Parker took the armor in hand and smiled in thanks, patting his head. She stood and went back up the stairs to her room. Shutting the door behind her, she shed her robe and placed it on the bed, next to her new armor. It looked the same, but it felt different somehow. A power emanated from its threading. She shrugged her shoulders and put about putting on a new pair of smalls and breast band. As she was about to slip her pants on, her bedroom door opened.

"Maker! I'm so sorry," Parker spun around and saw Sebastian, his face a bright crimson. He sputtered, backing out of the room and shutting the door.

Parker laughed heartily and finished slipping into her armor. She sheathed her daggers on her back, placing one facing down her back, the other facing up. Patting her sides and looking at her thin frame in the mirror, a sad smile flitted across her face as she stared into her own eyes. She no longer saw the gold that radiated warmth, she now saw sky blue eyes that seemed to radiate cold. Shaking her head slowly, she left her room.

Sebastian was pacing in front of the hearth in the great room as she made her way down the stairs, his face still bright red, a look of shame marred his features. He looked at her as she reached the last step. She smirked, "Enjoy the view?" Sebastian's mouth moved, but no words came out. Parker chuckled, "Sebastian, I'm only teasing. Your vows to Andraste remain intact. I'm sure she can forgive one slip up in faith. We're friends and we always will be. But if you want to make up for it, you can spar with me."

Sebastian nodded, a look of hurt on his face that was quickly replaced with neutrality. He bowed his head to her, "Yes Hawke, I'd like that very much."

Parker winked at him as she walked out to her garden. "Now don't go easy on me, I'm not as fragile as I look."

She saw him hesitate for a second but he just nodded slowly, "As you wish, but you have to tell me if it's getting to be too much."

Parker beamed a radiant smile at him, "Agreed."

They faced each other in the gardens, a slight breeze blowing her long locks from behind her back. Sebastian pulled his training daggers out as she unsheathed her daggers from her back. They got in their respective fighting stances and Parker gave her companion a sly grin as he ran for her. She dodged to her left as he thrust his daggers at her. He turned and parried with her, matching her blow for blow. Using his forward momentum, he thrust his daggers, pushing her back. Parker stumbled as he appeared behind her, his dagger at her throat. She felt his lips brush against her ear, "My point, Hawke."

Parker felt a blush rise to her cheek. She stepped away from him, a grin on her face, getting back into her fighting stance, "No more playing nice, then."

Sebastian got into position and chuckled. She charged him. He shielded himself for the blow. Parker smirked, _'Alright Parker, now open up the door to the Fade!'_

Parker felt a rush of magic surge through her body as she slipped through the ground and shot up behind Sebastian, reaching a dagger around to his throat, the other she angled against his manhood. She leaned against his back, placing her mouth over his neck, "My point."

He stiffened in her hold. She released him. Sebastian turned and looked at her, "How'd you do that?" He had a look of disbelief on his face. Parker shrugged her shoulder. "You obviously didn't use a vial. You just slipped through the ground."

"Justice changed me. I'm some kind of spirit rogue now," Parker tried to explain. "I can access the Fade now." She shifted uncomfortably from his questions. "We can stop for the day, if you want."

"No, Hawke, let's continue. Let's see what else you can do." Parker grinned at him roguishly. She took her stance and he charged her.

'_Ready, Parker? Jump!'_ Parker did as Justice commanded. She folded her arms against her chest as she twirled and flipped through the air, sliding back as the momentum pushed her back. She plunged a dagger in the grass to keep her upright as she slid. She shot her head up and lunged towards him, leaving the dagger in the earth. Before Sebastian could turn completely around, she was on him, tackling him to the ground; his daggers sent flying, straddling his hips as he landed roughly on the ground. She placed her single dagger against his throat. "My point again," she smirked.

Sebastian placed his hands possessively on her hips. Someone cleared their throat behind them. Parker turned quickly to see who it was. Anders stood uncomfortably in the doorway. He had a look of hurt on his face. Sebastian's grip on her hips tightened. Parker pulled out of Sebastian's hold and stood quickly, patting down her armor. She smiled broadly at Anders. He merely grimaced. "Anders!"

Anders turned to start leaving, "I see I've interrupted something. I can see that you are feeling better. I will take my leave."

Parker frowned and jogged to catch up to him before he reached the tunnel that led to Darktown. "Anders," she said, reaching out to grab his upper arm. He turned sharply, slapping her hand away. She looked up into his angry eyes, seeing all the hurt draw across his face. "Anders, what's wrong?" she questioned, brows furrowed, holding her injured hand to her chest.

"It's nothing, Hawke," he snarled.

"Anders," her tone firm, "I can tell you're lying. I've known you for years now. Why are you pulling away from me? If I did something, please tell me so I can fix it."

Sebastian appeared behind her, placing a hand possessively on her thin shoulder, "Is everything alright, Parker?"

Anders stormed away, without so much as a goodbye, the door to the tunnels slamming on his way out. Parker let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Her shoulders sagged. She had to see him, she had to fix things. Something was hurting him, she just didn't know what. Never once had she denied him, never once had she turned him away. Tears rolled down her cheeks as Sebastian wrapped his arms gingerly around her shoulders. She sobbed and let her head fall. He said calming words to her, "He'll come around, Parker."

[][][][][]

Sebastian had returned to the chantry for the night. Parker sighed in relief, her body sore from all the sparring. She could feel that she had pulled one of her muscles in her back. Steeling herself, she decided to go and see Anders. Maybe he could ease some of the pain in her back and maybe then, he would talk to her. It was well into the night when she popped out of the tunnels close to Anders' clinic. She locked the door behind and knocked on the door to his clinic.

Parker heard quiet shuffling coming from the other side of the door, "Who's there?"

"Anders," she said quietly, "I could use your help."

She heard a sigh come from behind the door and multiple locks were released as he opened the door slightly, "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. He had been drinking. Parker could smell it as it wafted off of him in waves. She looked into his eyes. They were bloodshot and swollen. Parker winced as she moved to redistribute her weight. He caught the movement and sighed, "Come in." Parker shuffled in, wincing as she made a wrong movement. Anders closed and locked the door, turning to her, "Where is the pain?"

She gave him a small smile, "My back. I think I pulled it while sparring with Sebastian." Anders' face went from hurt to blank in the blink of an eye. "Anders, what's wrong? Please talk to me. Whatever I did, allow me to fix it." Parker reached a hand out to touch his, but a sharp pain shot through her back, stopping her from moving.

Anders sighed, "Take a seat over there so I can look at your back." Parker nodded her head, taking a seat on the cot that he had pointed to. Anders came up behind her, pressing his hand against her back, sending a wave of healing magic into the sore muscle. "Roll your shoulders," he directed. She did as he asked, "Any more pain?"

Parker shook her head slowly, "No, it feels brand new."

Anders walked back to the door to his clinic and started unlatching the door, "You should go then. It's getting late."

"It's already late, Anders. Can't we please talk about this?" she pleaded, standing up and walking over to him. He looked away from her. "Anders, please?"

"I've got the whipped cream all ready," a voice chimed. Parker turned slowly, her eyes opened wide and her jaw went slack. Isabela stood in the doorway to his room with nothing on but a thin sheet wrapped around her chest. "Oh, Hawke," Isabela gave a nervous laugh, "I didn't realize you were still here."

Parker turned to look at Anders but she could make out the look of embarrassment on his face. He wouldn't look at her. She choked back a sob. Her fists clenched, her nails biting into her palm to draw blood from the crescents that were left. The tears started rolling down her cheeks. She was losing herself. She had to leave. Anders finally looked at her. Parker's chest heaved in short, rapid breaths. He reached his hand out to her, but she just brushed passed him stopping in the doorway, "I thought maybe you had loved me as I loved you. I see now that it was always just one-sided. I'm sorry I bothered you two," she smiled sadly at him. "Have a good night."

"Parker, wait a-" That was all she heard before she slipped into her own shadow.

[][][][][]

She stumbled out of the tunnels and into her estate. Her chest felt like it was about to implode in on itself. She wasn't getting enough oxygen. She tripped up the stairs, twisting her ankle, but she kept going. Nothing got passed her wrath. She destroyed everything in her room and when that wasn't enough, she moved on to the next room, then the next, then the next. Nothing stood in her way.

'_Parker, stop this, calm down!'_

She ignored Justice and continued destroying the library. She wasn't satisfied until she pulled all the bookshelves down and upturned all the furniture. She grabbed her daggers and left the estate, Bodahn and Orana looking on in horror. Leandra had stormed out to find Sebastian at the chantry and Bodahn sent Sandal to retrieve Anders. But by the time they all arrived, Parker was long gone.

[][][][][]

Parker stood looking over a cliff, a bottle of Antivan brandy half full in her hand, three bottles lay empty at her feet. She took a swig of the brandy, cherishing the burn. "I've been so stupid," she said to no one in particular.

'_Parker, we should head back. This is not a place to be when it gets dark.'_

'_We've only been here a day,'_ Parker chided, taking another swig.

'_But we're alone out here, Parker,' _Justice stated.

'_We'll be fine, Justice, I've got you and you're all I need. You won't hurt me and you'll always be there for me, until the day I die. You'll always be protecting me.'_ Parker smiled, chugging the rest of her brandy.

She swayed slightly and shivered as a cool breeze went by. The sun was setting in front of her. She sighed in contentment, pulling another bottle of Antivan brandy out of her pack. She cracked the cap off, chugging more of the warming liquid. "It's so pretty out here, don't you agree Justice?"

'_Yes, Parker, it's very pretty. But you should head back and have Anders check out that ankle of yours. It's not looking too well.'_

"Pish posh, Justice, it's fine, see?" She walked to prove him she was fine, but she stumble on it as it gave out from under her. She heard him clucking, "Shut it, mister."

He chuckled at her attempt to joke, '_Bind it and let's go home.' _She nodded her head and reached for the bandage she kept stored in her pack. She bound her ankle tightly, chugging the last of her brandy. She stood and picked up her pack, slinging it over her shoulder.

"Well, look what we have here, boys. Fresh, succulent meat for us to ravage."

Parker turned sharply, her vision turning sideways. She was definitely drunk. Her pack fell to the ground as she fumbled for her daggers. She unsheathed them, wobbling slightly.

The slaver leader chuckled, "Little kitty wants to fight."

"Little kitty knows how to scratch," Parker bit out, her speech starting to slur. _'Damn that fine tasting Antivan brandy.'_

'_Parker, you need to focus. I will lend you some of my strength.'_

'_Okay, Justice, I trust you.'_ Parker smiled, feeling the warmth of his power washing over her. "Ready, boys?" Parker charged them, her ankle screaming in agony. She caught the first slaver off guard, taking him down with ease, but there were more than ten that she could visibly see. Parker moved to the next guy, slicing through his armor with ease. She continued the fight, until her ankle gave up on her. Her body collapsed on the ground. An arrow bolted itself through her shoulder and she hissed in pain, rolling away from the oncoming broad sword. She got up on her knees, only to receive a kick to the gut that sent her sprawling back to the ground. The slaver that kicked her ripped the arrow from her shoulder. Parker tried getting up on her knees again, only to have the slaver grab her by her long hair and drag her up to her feet. She hissed in pain as he dragged her to the closest rock and slammed her body into it. The crack of her ribs echoed even to her own ears.

The slavers gathered around their leader, laughing. He put his lips to her ear, "You'll enjoy this, kitten. I'll make you purr for your life." Parker fought back the tears.

'_Parker, what is going on?'_

'_Close your eyes, Justice. Go to the farthest recesses of my mind and stay there. I'll let you know when it's over.'_ Parker's pants were tugged roughly from her hips. Her smalls ripped from her waist. She gave a yelp of pain only to have her head shoved roughly against the rock. She bit her lip roughly, drawing blood.

'_Parker, are these men going to rape you?'_

'_Shhh, Justice, it'll be over before you know it. I do not want you to act in vengeance.'_

'_I can't sit idly by while this happens!'_

Another crack of her head to the rock sent her to the land of unconscious to cry steadily in Justice's arms in the Fade.

[][][][][]

Parker awoke blurry eyed in the middle of the Lowtown market. She looked around confusedly. People were staring at her, looks of concern and shock on their features. Someone from the crowd called for someone to retrieve Varric. She looked down at her hands. They were covered in blood and dirt. She continued looking at herself. Her armor was hanging off her body in tatters. It did little to cover her body at all. A slender woman ran up to her only to throw her hands up to her mouth with a muffled cry.

'_Parker, you need to get help. I could only get you this far without them taking notice that you glow blue.' _Parker continued stumbling through Lowtown, dragging her now broken ankle up to Hightown. _'Parker, where are you going? I heard someone was retrieving Varric. He can help you!'_ The nobles of Hightown stopped and stared at her. She pushed passed Knight Captain Cullen as he tried to stop her. Parker trudged up the steps to the chantry, opening the door and walking up to the altar of Andraste.

Parker collapsed in front of the altar as Varric ran up to her catching her before she fell completely to the ground. "Forgive me Maker," she said against Varric's chest.

Grand Cleric Elthina came running down the stairs. She called out to a lay Sister, "Go find Sebastian, quickly!" The lay Sister made for the stairs quickly.

Parker made a wheezing noise and coughed, wracking her thin frame, sending blood spattering against Varric's chest. "I hate to do this to Blondie," Varric said, turning to Cullen, "but there's not much choice. Cullen, I know you know where Anders' clinic is and you owe Hawke a favor. Please, retrieve him and bring him here. There's a shortcut through the tunnels in Hawke's estate. Just inform Bodahn that we found Hawke and you need to get to Anders. He'll let you through. Please, we haven't much time."

Cullen nodded his head and sprinted off. Sebastian came skidding to a stop next to Parker. "Maker, no!" Parker clung to Varric tightly.

"Maker, forgive me," she repeated, another body jarring cough sending more blood spattering across Varric's chest. "Maker, forgive me."

"Parker, you need to stop talking, you're only making this worse," Sebastian pleaded. Parker continued her plea, her wheezing became louder. "Varric, lay her on the floor." Varrice pried her hands from his shirt, laying her gently on the floor. Sebastian took one of her hands in his, as Varric kept the other.

Parker turned her head to look at Sebastian. Aveline and Fenris came storming into the chantry; Merrill came quietly in behind them. "Sebastian, it hurts," she choked out, blood gurgling from deep in her throat.

Fenris stood stalk still as he looked upon Parker's broken form. The smell of copper made his nose scrunch up. Aveline seemed to have the same look on her face. "What happened to her?" Merrill piped up, breaking the tension. Varric shook his head. "I can try healing her wounds." Merrill knelt down next to Varric and held one of her hands out, a green light emanated over the wound on the Parker's face.

"Where's Anders?" Aveline asked quietly.

"I sent the Knight Captain for him," Varric said.

"You sent who?" Aveline shrieked.

"He was the only option, Aveline," Varric said, raising his tear brimmed eyes to look into hers. "If Blondie runs, I will hunt him down myself."

Blood flowed freely from Parker's mouth. "Quickly!" Merrill said frantically, "One of you needs to hold her up or she will drown from her on blood. We're losing her."

Sebastian gently lifted her against his chest, blood falling freely onto his pristine white armors. Parker made a horrid choking noise. "Stay with us, Parker," he encouraged.

Merrill took to taking all of Parker's shredded clothes off. Once she removed Parker's pants, Parker retreated against Sebastian. "No! Maker, forgive me!" Blood streamed slowly from between her pale thighs. Parker tried standing, but Sebastian held her tightly. Her companions all paled. Aveline had to turn away, no longer able to stop the tears from falling. Fenris clenched his hands tightly, his jaw locked. Varric and Merrill just looked defeated. Parker looked from her companions to her naked body. She tried gathering up her clothes to hide her shame. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she chanted, rocking her body against Sebastian.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, love, you did nothing wrong," Sebastian said reassuringly, running a hand over her head.

The chantry doors slammed open as Cullen dragged Anders through the chantry, "Release me! This is a trick! I won't go back to the circle," Anders shouted.

"I do not lie, mage," Cullen snarled, pushing Anders in front of Parker. Cullen looked down at the beaten body of Hawke. Parker heard the deep intake of breath from the templar. She offered him a bloody smile. More blood spewed from her lips as she gave a choking cough. "I'll go keep watch outside," Cullen said and left the chantry.

"Maker," Anders choked out. Isabela appeared behind Anders, a gasp drawing from her lips. Varric and Merrill shuffled out of the way. Parker grabbed desperately for Varric. Varric gave her his hand and she gripped it tightly. Anders knelt in front of Parker. "Let Justice out so you can rest and not have to take the pain."

Parker felt her body go limp and she reached out to Justice who came forward, _"Anders." _Blue cracks of spirit energy emblazoned Parker's body. _"We haven't much time, Anders, she's fading."_

Justice watched with Parker's eyes as Anders sent wave after wave of healing energy through Parker's body. He first mended the broken ribs and then healed the punctured lungs. Sebastian handed him a vial of lyrium which he chugged and continued healing. _"She's calming."_ Anders nodded to Justice._"She was so brave. More worried about me acting on vengeance than her own well-being. What they did to her was horrible. All I could do was hold her in the Fade. She was so sad and so brave."_ Justice watched the magic radiate off of Anders' hand as he healed the concussion and mended her fractured cheekbone.

"Justice, lay on the ground now. Merrill, go and get a basin of warm water and a few rags and bandages." Merrill ran off with the Grand Cleric to get the items he requested. They returned a few minutes later. Merrill also handed him another vial of lyrium. He nodded his thanks. "Sebastian and Merrill, will you both start wiping away all the blood from her body." They nodded in silent agreement.

"_I fear the next traumatic event in her life will break her completely," _Justice said quietly. The whole room remained quiet.

"Where was she?" Fenris asked.

"_She likes watching the sunset. She went to the Wounded Coast to drink her sorrows away. I urged her to go home, but she was so upset. After her fifth bottle of Antivan brandy, I was able to convince her to bind her ankle so we could get going. We were ambushed by twenty-three slavers. She cut down eight of them before her ankle finally snapped." _Justice recanted for them, a sadness present in his voice.

"What made her so upset?" Merrill asked.

Justice turned Parker's head and looked at Anders, _"She had her heart broken."_ Anders bit his lip. He held his hand over the whole in her shoulder and healed it. He repaired the muscle damage. Merrill handed him another vial of lyrium. He swallowed it down.

Anders shuffled down Parker's nude form. Holding his hand over her lower abdomen, he sucked in a large amount of air. "What exactly did they do to her?"

"_She wouldn't allow me to watch, Anders. I'm sorry I'm afraid I don't know," _Justice said sadly.

"What's wrong, Anders?" Sebastian asked, worry lacing his voice as he ran the cloth over Parker's brow.

Anders gulped, he pushed healing magic from his hand, "It looks like they not only raped her, but shoved the hilt of a broad sword inside of her." Anders' voice trembled. That was all if took for Aveline to retch against the wall.

Justice felt tears fall from Parker's eyes. _"Is this what they call tears?" _Justice asked. He looked over at Merrill who nodded and walked away. He could hear her sobbing. He saw that Sebastian was trying to hold back tears.

"I need more lyrium, " Anders said, as Fenris walked over and handed him a vial. Anders chugged it down, concentrating once more on healing her womanhood. Merrill returned, putting about healing Parker's minor cuts and bruises. Justice smiled up at her sadly. Anders was sweating profusely, Sebastian handed him another bottle of lyrium. He nodded in thanks and threw back the lyrium, swallowing it in one gulp. Sebastian had almost finished completely cleaning off the dried blood from Parker's still form. Too still. "Hey, Justice, stay with us, old friend. We're almost done."

The blue cracks glowed brighter, and Justice opened Parker's eyes, _"I'm still here. I was just checking on Parker."_

"How is she?" Sebastian asked.

Justice gave a small smile, _"She'll make it; Parker is strong. She was resting against my spirit body in the Fade."_

Anders moved down to Parker's ankle, resetting the bone and mending the torn muscle. He allowed Merrill to finish up for him and stood. Merrill finished shortly after, declining an offered lyrium draught. Sebastian pulled off his armor and removed tunic that lay underneath. He handed the warm fabric to Justice, who slid it onto Parker's pale frame._ "I will return to the Fade to keep watch over Parker. I assume one of you will take her home." _Justice stated, the blue cracks fading, returning to Parker's face to its normal pale complexion. Her body was at rest.

[][][][][]

To be continued…

A/N: I tried to stick to one person's viewpoint in this chapter. Hopefully I succeeded. I hope you have enjoyed it so far! Thanks to those who have added this story to their watch list and to Ravenwiccn for the review!


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

"My hands shake cause today  
>I know you're gonna break my heart and<br>My life without you in it  
>Is a life that's not worth living<br>I'll be strong but I wish I was someone else  
>Anyone but me tonight<p>

Here I stand, all alone, tonight  
>And I wish I was strong enough to breathe<br>Without you in my life  
>And I wish I was anyone but me"<p>

Here I Stand by Madina Lake

Parker woke with a start, sweat beading above her brow. She panted heavily. Glancing out her window, she saw the sun was rising over the Keep. Biting back the urge to cry, she rose and shifted off her bed. She stood slowly, feeling her abdomen pull tightly in protest. Her hand rose to touch it lightly, the pain ebbing away at her gentle rubbing. She stood to her full height and left her room. Orana was up and cleaning the kitchen in preparation for cooking breakfast. Parker knocked lightly on the door jamb, startling Orana. "Oh! Mistress, I'm so sorry! Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked, drying her hands on her apron.

Parker smiled warmly at her, "Will you prepare me a warm bath?"

Orana nodded her head quickly, "Yes, Mistress, right away."

As she waited for Orana to finish, Parker made herself a cup of jasmine tea. Adding some honey, she headed up the stairs just as Orana had finished. Parker nodded in thanks as Orana gave her a deep bow, taking her leave back down the stairs. Parker headed into the wash room and put her cup of tea on the side table next to the tub. She pulled the baggy white tunic over her shoulders. It smelled of candle wax and a spice she couldn't place. She liked the smell. It relaxed her, made her feel safe. She folded the tunic and placed it on the side table next to her tea. She added some peony fragrance to the tub and stepped in, lowering her body slowly into the steaming water. Her muscles relaxed within seconds. Leaning her head back against the rim of the tub, she sighed contentedly.

'_I like this fragrance. It suits you.'_

Parker smiled sadly, _'Bethany said that too.'_

'_I remember her briefly. Anders spoke highly of her talents. She will be greatly missed,' _Justice said solemnly.

A few moments of silence passed before Parker said, _'Thank you, Justice. I would have died out there if you hadn't of walked me back to town.'_

'_I do not require thanks,' _Justice said firmly.

Parker smiled and reached for her tea. She brought it to her lips, blowing on it and sipping slowly. The warmth sliding down her throat soothed her sore throat. Jasmine tea had always been her favorite. She sat there for a while, just sipping on her tea until she noticed her cup was empty. Putting her cup down, she grabbed for the soap and lathered it into her hair and across her body. There was a light knock on the door, "I'll be out in a few," she said.

Scooping water over her body to get rid of the suds and dipping her head under the water to rinse her hair. She stood slowly, wringing her hair out. She grabbed the towel that was on the floor next to the tub and wrapped it around her torso. Her hands wrapped around the second towel and she brought it to her head and dried her hair. Dropping the towel from her hands, she grabbed the comb and dragged it through her long locks. After it was fully combed out, she unwrapped the towel from her body and reached for the white tunic, sliding it over her head and pushing her arms through the short sleeves. It hung over one of her shoulders and passed down to her mid thigh. She pulled her long, damp hair out from under the collar.

Parker opened the door to the wash room and saw Sebastian sitting in the chair he liked to occupy next to her bed. He looked up, a red blush gracing his cheeks. She smiled warmly at him. "Good morning, Sebastian," she said, walking over to him and sitting on her plush bed.

"Good morning, Parker," he said, keeping his eyes on the white tunic.

"I'm guessing this," she pulled lightly on the fabric of the tunic, "is yours?"

He nodded slowly, looking into her eyes, "How did you know?"

She chuckled, "It smells like you."

His face turned a darker shade of red and Parker just smiled broader. "How are you feeling?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair.

Parker's smile vanished to a meager frown. She looked at the floor, clenching the fabric of the tunic tightly, "I'm a little sore and everything feels tight. But I'm managing."

She felt him rest his hand on her knee, "I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it. Would you like me to summon Anders so he can come give you a check-up?"

Parker felt her heart clench at his name, but she just shook her head, "No, he has his clinic to tend to. I just need time to heal." She looked up at him and gave a sad smile. "I appreciate all you've done for me, Sebastian, but I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about what happened."

Parker felt Sebastian's hand on her knee tighten and then let go. He stood, placing a hand gently on her cheek. "Just know I'm here if you ever do need someone to talk to about it. I'll always be here for you," he said, bending down and kissing her forehead.

Parker smiled up at him, "I know." She leaned into his warm touch. He was too kind to her.

'_He's in love with you.'_

Parker snorted loudly, _'He's a brother in the chantry, Justice. He is sworn to Andraste.'_ She could hear Justice sigh.

Parker noticed Sebastian giving her a confused look, "Did I do something?" he questioned, smiling.

Parker stood and moved from Sebastian's touch, walking over to her armoire, "No, not you, Justice just thinks you're in love with me. I tried telling him you are a brother in faith and have sworn yourself to Andraste." Parker shuffled through her armoire, giggling to herself, trying to find a new pair of smalls and some new armor. She grabbed a pair of smalls and a breast band. Reaching for a new set of rogue armor she didn't recognize, Sebastian came up behind her, resting his hand on her thin hips. She felt him turning her around to face him. "Sebastian?"

"What if he was right, Parker? What if I did love you? Would that be so hard to believe?"

Parker looked down at the ground, curling her toes against the plush fur rug. She swallowed, "I never thought of you in that way because of your vow to Andraste. " Parker tried to back out of his grip, but he held her firmly in place. "Sebastian, please," she pleaded.

"Look at me," Sebastian said firmly. She brought her gaze to meet his, a slight blush rising to her cheeks. "I would never hurt you, love. Just know that my vows to the chantry mean nothing when it comes to you. If you said you would have me here at your side, I would happily revoke my vows." Parker went to protest, but Sebastian just raised a finger to her lips, "This is my decision and I have made it." He smiled down at her, brushing his lips gently across hers. Backing away from her, he said, "I'll let you get dressed. Keep the tunic, it's yours now. I'll be waiting for you downstairs. I'm to escort you to the Hanged Man." Sebastian smiled and turned, walking out the door.

Parker released the breath she was holding, _'I told you.'_

'_Justice, shut it.'_ Justice howled in laughter. Parker shook her head. _'Justice, you seem so carefree. You're nothing like how you were when you were in Anders.'_

'_You don't harbor nearly as much hatred and anger as he does. There's a certain serenity to you that calms me. You possess a freedom that no other holds, Parker. You have always fascinated me. It's nice to experience these feelings you have. It's a relief. No matter what happens, you come back full force, ready to tackle that new obstacle that stands in your way. '_

Parker struggled with her new armor. It fit her nicely, she just couldn't reach the back buckles, _'Well, Justice, I'm glad I can put you at ease. It's nice to see you not so angry with every injustice you bear witness to.'_ Parker stared at her new armor in the mirror and growled at it. She heard Justice chuckle. She rolled her eyes. _'Where did I even get this armor? It's attractive, but I would not have picked something that required two people to put on and remove.'_ Her new armor was a deep purple and had skin tight grey leather pants. A black tunic flowed freely to stop just above her knees under the armor's bodice. "Orana!" Parker called out, bending over to fish out her daggers from her weapon chest. Her hand fell upon Bethany's staff, a sudden rush of tears came burning her eyes.

"Hawke?"

Parker startled, turning swiftly her foot catching on the foot of the chest sending her tumbling backwards. She landed firmly on her butt, "Anders!" she said, a panicked look crossing her features. "Maker, that hurt," she said, rubbing her rear and wincing.

Anders looked down at her, "I'm sorry, I should have knocked." Parker nodded her head in agreement. "I just came to check on you, see how you were feeling. I heard you call for Orana. I told her I would see if it was something I could help you with." Anders held his hand out to her to help her up.

Parker shook her head and pushed herself up off the floor, ignoring his offer of help. Maybe if he hadn't of crushed her heart, she would have accepted, but she didn't have it in her. "Next time, please do knock." He lowered his hand, a look of shame crossing his features. Anders looked away from her, "I'm fine Anders. I was just calling Orana to come and help me with this armor. I don't even remember buying this."

Anders cleared his throat, "Do you not like it?"

Parker cocked her head to the side, "It's gorgeous armor, it just takes more than one person to put on. I don't know what possessed me to buy it."

"Can I help you with it?" he asked, taking a chance to look at her.

Parker grinded her teeth, "How would Isabela feel about that?" Anders visibly flinched at the backhanded question. She had definitely hit the nail on the head. He shifted from foot to foot like a child ashamed of getting caught stealing a sweet treat. Parker sighed audibly, "Anders, I think it's best if you leave. I will send word if I need you or Isabela for anything."

Anders' head shot up fully to look at her, "Parker, please, hear-"

"No, Anders, get out, now!" Parker roared, pointing her finger at the door. Justice was trying to push through, "You've done more harm than good by showing up here. If I needed healing, I would call for Merrill. Just," she sobbed violently, "leave now. I'm not ready to fix this."

Anders turned on his heel, shooting her one more saddened glance before storming out, ramming into Sebastian, "Maker's nug shit, Sebastian! Watch where the fuck you're going!"

Sebastian looked at him fiercely. Parker saw this was going to end badly. "Sebastian," she said, breaking his glare away from Anders, "can you help me with this armor?"

Sebastian pushed passed Anders, "Of course, Parker." Anders turned and left her mansion. Parker sighed, turning as Sebastian approached. He made quick work of the buckles for her.

Grabbing her daggers from the chest, "I'm sorry about that, Sebastian. But also, thanks." He looked sadly at her. She knew Sebastian was a good man and he only wanted the best for her. She tried imagining a life with the prince. It would be a peaceful life, for the most part. He would take over his kingdom and they would have kids. He would put her before others, no matter what. She could be happy with him. She could love him.

"Are you ready to go to the Hanged Man?" he asked, holding his arm out for her to take. She sheathed her daggers and nodded her head, smiling up at him. Slipping her arm through his, he smiled, "Let's go, love."

[][][][][]

The Hanged Man was still empty for the most part since it was still fairly early in the morning. All of her companions had gathered to throw her a small party. Even Anders and Isabela had shown up. They kept to themselves, which Parker was thankful for. She did her best to ignore meeting eyes with either one of them. It was apparent that the two of them had become outsiders to the group. Varric kept close to her, which she was thankful for as well. She considered him a close friend, close enough that she would even consider him family. Everyone had a gift to give her, except Anders.

"The abomination couldn't even spring two silvers together to get Hawke a gift? Pathetic," Fenris said, handing Parker his gift, which was a large canter of her favorite Antivan brandy. Parker smiled sadly at the bottle, setting it down gently on the table.

"Kitten is wearing Anders' gift," Isabela said gruffly. Parker flinched harshly at the name. "Does Kitten really hate the gift that badly?"

Parker flinched violently again, "Do not call me Kitten." Isabela cocked her head to the side, looking at everyone in the room. "Thank you for the armor, Anders, but you shouldn't have spent so much on it." She picked up her gifts, "Varric, walk me home?"

"Wait, Hawke, what's wrong?" Aveline asked.

Parker smiled sadly at her friend, "It's nothing."

"But we haven't had the pie yet," Merrill chimed, her brows drawn close in worry.

Sebastian laid a hand gently on her arm, "Parker, please stay a while longer. Merrill worked really hard on that pie for you."

Parker looked up at Sebastian and bit her lip, "I guess." She rolled her shoulders and sat next to Merrill. She smiled brightly at the elf and wrapped an arm around her thin shoulder, "Let's try this pie then."

Merrill lit up in excitement, "I made marionberry pie," she said, extracting a slice of pie from the plate. She placed the slice on an empty plate and handed it to Parker.

After giving everyone around the table a slice of pie, they all took their first bites. Parker smiled while chewing, enjoying the sweet flavors that coated her mouth. "This is delicious, Merrill, you must give me the recipe," Parker exclaimed, patting the elf on the shoulder. Murmurs of agreement sounded around the table.

After polishing her plate, she turned to Sebastian who was conversing with Fenris, ignoring his plate. He occasionally took a bite and Parker found her opening. She swiped a bit of his pie and stuck it in her mouth in record time. Varric chuckled across the table. Parker smiled, just taking Sebastian's plate as he went to take another piece. His fork connected with the wood and he looked at it confusedly. Parker was putting another piece in her mouth when Sebastian turned to look at her, a smirk on his face. She smiled sheepishly at him, chewing on the piece she had slipped into her mouth. Cutting another chunk of pie, she offered it to Sebastian. An intensity rose in his eyes as she slipped the piece in his mouth. His hand slid onto her knee. She pulled the fork out of his mouth.

The sound of a plate being slammed on the table made Parker turn sharply at the noise, her fork clattering noisily on the ground. Anders was standing, his hands on the table. He turned and left the Hanged Man, slamming the door in his wake.

"Maker, Hawke, why don't you and Sebastian just do the deed in front of us," Isabela chided, standing up. "Thanks for the pie, Merrill, it was delicious." Parker blushed intensely. Sebastian's hand squeezed her leg.

"I'm glad you liked it," Merrill said sheepishly. Isabela shot one more glance at Parker before leaving after Anders.

Parker threw her head into her hands and groaned. He had no right to be mad at her and it made her blood boil at the thought. She bit the side of her cheek, fighting the rush of emotion from boiling over. Without him, she felt empty. Her heart throbbed painfully at the thought. The hardest part was moving on and starting over. There was a kind, gentle man, willing to give her the world. Parker just hoped he would wait for her heart to heal.

Parker stood from the table, "Let's go kill some bandits along the coast."

[][][][][]

'_Parker, go visit him. Just see how he's doing.'_

'_Why should I?'_ Parker questioned.

'_You two haven't spoken in over a month. I think you're ready to make things right," _Justice said. Parker knew he was right. She had been contemplating it for a few days. _'Things with Sebastian are going well. You should at least talk to him about what happened in the tunnels below Darktown.'_

Parker sighed, gathering her things and leaving through the cellar of her estate to Darktown. She unlocked the door at the end of the tunnel and slipped through, closing the door quietly. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Anders closing the door to his clinic for the night. She heard the latching of the locks and slipped into her shadow. His shadow under the door was walking away. She quickly rushed into his shadow, rising through his.

It was a nice ability. It meant she could save her companions if they were being attacked from behind, that is, if their shadow was behind them. She could also appear in the enemy's shadow if her companions shadow was facing the wrong way. It took a lot out of her to use.

"Anders," she said.

Anders jumped as though he had been jolted with electricity, "Andraste's golden tit, Hawke!" he said, turning around quickly, his eyes meeting hers.

Parker giggled at his choice of words. "You're spending too much time with Isabela," she said, smiling. "Anders," she said, cutting him off, "I wanted to talk to you about that night in the tunnels."

Anders looked at her, a sadness creeping into his eyes, "I'm sorry, Hawke. I made a mess of things for you."

Parker smiled sadly at him, "I wanted to let you know that the mage we saved from the Templars down in the tunnels is safe. I insisted she flee Kirkwall with her family. She sends me letters occasionally," Parker said, handing the letters to him, "Justice and I thought you might like to read them." Anders took the letters, his gaze moving to the fresh scar on her arm. "Why'd you do it, Anders?"

He looked into her eyes, "What do you mean?"

"Why'd you jump in front of that sword?"

Anders eyed her, "Why does it matter? What's in the past is a part of the past. There's no use digging up bad memories."

Parker sat on one of the cots, leaning back on her arms, "It matters to me. I want to know."

Anders sat on the cot across from her, sighing, "Where's Sebastian?"

Parker wasn't fazed. She had killed those feeling for Anders, she had to. "You're changing the subject," she said, looking at him through amused eyes. "But if you must know, he's playing cards with Varric and Fenris at the Hanged Man."

Anders gripped the side of the cot he was sitting on, "If you must know, Hawke, I couldn't live with myself if you died."

Parker cocked her head to the side, "Yes you could have. You had Isabela. I didn't know it until that night I came down here to talk to you. But, all the pieces were there. You two had a past together. I only wished I had seen it sooner, but it was nice to have had those feelings for you."

Anders looked at her in disbelief, "Hawke, you don't understand."

"It is okay, Anders, I understand," Parker said, smiling at him. She looked up at the ceiling.

Anders grabbed her shoulders roughly, making her jump and look at him. "I saved you because I love you." Parker clenched her jaw, drawing her eyebrows together, "When I woke up and was told what you had done, I was so angry with you. I saw you lying there in that bed and there was nothing I could do to help you. I would have seen myself dead before I saw what I saw lying there in that bed. You should never have done what you had done." Parker felt tears building up, "You could have died."

Anders slumped in forward, his hands still firmly placed on her shoulders, "But if you loved me, how come you never came to visit me? I know, it's selfish, but I thought I had done something to upset you." Parker bit back the tears. She would not allow herself the feelings she had for him to come surging forward. Sebastian was now the man she was with. He made her happy, he healed her broken heart and gave her back her purpose.

Anders' hands gripped her shoulders tightly again. She winced, "I thought that you and Sebastian were _more_ than just friends. He was always there. He _always_ had you in his arms. You looked so happy with him. I had assumed I wasn't needed other than to make sure you were in good health."

"Anders," Parker said firmly, "he was there every day. He was the only one that came to see me every day. Everyone else had a life to live. They couldn't spend all their time with me. He _was_ a friend." She put her hand on one of his arms, a tiny shock thrilling her senses, "Now, will you please sit back down. There is going to be bruises at the rate your grip is tightening."

Anders seemed to shake out of his reverie. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Parker patted his retreating arm, "It's fine, Anders." Stretching out her limbs, she asked, "So, how are things going with Isabela?"

Anders looked away from her, "I was just a lonely man looking for some comfort. A fool's error. There's nothing there, as much as she wished there to be. We're just friends. She comes to check on me when she hasn't found a lead to find that relic of hers."

It was not her place to pry, Parker knew that. He just looked so lonely and she wanted to help him. "Well, if you need anything, I'm right up the stairs." Anders looked at the ground and nodded. "Oh, and Anders," she started, he looked up at her, "tomorrow everyone's getting together at my estate to throw a birthday party. A few other people will be there, but no one I don't trust."

"Whose birthday is it?" Anders asked.

Parker smiled sadly, "It's mine. Promise me you'll come?"

"Of course."

Parker stood, "Good, I've missed having you around." She smiled warmly at him, placing her hand gently on his shoulder, "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon then."

Anders nodded, "Hawke, wait," he said.

Parker turned to the door and waited, "Yes?"

"If you ever want to talk about what happened on the Wounded Coast, I'm here to listen."

Parker felt her shoulders tense. She merely nodded, she didn't risk turning back to look at him, "Have a good night Anders." Parker unlatched the door and left, struggling to breathe.

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A/N: I hope you all enjoyed. Sorry it took so long to put up, my keyboard broke, so I had to buy a new one. I bought the Dragon Age 2 keyboard. Thanks to those who have added this story to their watch list. Hopefully updates will be put out faster now that I have an awesome keyboard.


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